Friend to Friendless

Well, haven't written in a long time. Mainly because I don't know how many people actually read my blogs. Plus I have been feeling down.  Alone. While most days I'm fine, lately I find myself depressed more. Alone.  Summer is supposed to be time for vacations and fun. But not for me.  Everyone is having fun but me. And so..it causes me to be sad. Depressed.  They do their own thing but of course I am left out..forgotten. No one seems to want to hang out with me. So it makes me question..what's wrong with me? I mean for no one to want to hang out with me, there has to be something wrong,  right?  And don't get me wrong, I know people are busy, but would it hurt for someone to include me at least once in awhile.  Some days I feel as if God has forgotten about me. Forgot to bless me. I know He hasn't, that He has a time for everything, but I just got to be patient and trust in Him. But I do have at least one friend who likes to hang out and if I drove, we probably could hang out more and we are going to hang out today :)   But other than her, I have no friends. Why do I have such horrible luck with keeping friends and making good friends?  Seriously what is wrong with me?  Really it seems if I want more friends to hang out with, I got to really change and start partying and drinking.  But that's not me..I'm not into drinking or partying. It's sad really to think that. But it's true.

OK..enough on that.  Not much else is going on.  Not a day goes by where I don't think of Jasper. I still miss him so much.  But least I have Eli.  He makes me happy and laugh. He also reminds me of Jasper in some ways.  I play with Eli. I love him so much.  Other than that, I read. write, work. The usual.

I started watching Law and Order:SVU. It's really good. And I love Chris Meloni.  Too bad he's not on the new ones.  Oh, well..old ones are good. They are new to me. Also I started to watch Under the Dome.  Crazy! I could't even imagine being stuck in a town and no way out.

Well all for now. bye

Memory Lane

So sometimes lately I've been thinking of the past..as I wrote in the title..I've been walking down memory lane. Which in some ways is fun and a good thing. But it also is a bad and dangerous thing. Because it brings up some hard times, sad times and some situations I would definitely do different and well..you know..can't change them now. Also regrets and well, shouldn't dwell on regrets. It won't change the past. But also walking down memory lane, I relive some great times. Really wish some things didnt have to change. Trips we took, fun trips, shopping, going to movies, playing baseball, kickball, and shooting hoops. Along with many firsts. 

I always had and still do, have trouble making and keeping friends. I mean don't get me wrong, I do have some friends, but we only talk in school growing up, online, through facebook. We never hang out.  I was never invited over or along. In elementary I had 2 different friends who hung out once in awhile. But then middle and high school, forget it. We only ever talked in school or online. Once we hung out at a football game, but like I said..once. And I really don't understand why I was left out. But moving on from school years, I got a job at JcPenney. While I made some new friends there, again we never hung out. The one girl I hung out with, we just shopped around the mall. Another girl, we went to the movies and then hung at her house for alittle. But these 2 people, we only hung out once. Then also while at JCP I went to a co-worker's daughter's baby shower, but that was it. No real true friends.  Well then I got a job at Weis. I made some new friends. And it seemed like I finally I made some true friends. We went to Ricketts Glen. It was the first time I went. It was fun and neat to see. Also with some friends from Weis, we went to Knoebels, ate at Applebees. It was fun and great. But then I got fired for a dumb reason. And well, after that..no more true good friends. Also my best friend moved back to PA. We hung out alot. And met a girl through her, who seemed like a great friend. This girl, along with her boyfriend and another friend and I..we went to NYC for the day. Fun and neat to see. We later got a group and saw fireworks. Hung out at different parties.We talked.

I then got a job at Hallmark, later Giant, Deb Shop and Christopher and Banks. Now I only work at Hallmark. And at these jobs we only really talked at work. Now at the Deb we hung out at Applebees once and then the one girl and I went to a movie or 2. At  Hallmark we didnt hang out. But then at Hallmark a coworker and I went to a movie. And then just recently we had a movie night. But that was about all for Hallmark people. Then once in awhile,  a girl invites me to eat and go to a movie occainally. But again not much. So yeah..I have trouble making and keeping friends. And I often think..what's wrong with me? 

And some people I keep trying to be friends with them, but they dont want to be friends with me. And sometimes they approved me and then delete me and ignore me. So it gets me to thinking..what's wrong with me. 

Anyway..this entry is long enough. So more later. 

Resolutions, Goals...and more.

Well, I guess I should of did this at the beginning of the year, but I didn't really get on much at the beginning of the year.  As usual I made some.."resolutions".  Why?  I really don't know.  Because like every year, they usually get broken. This year I kind of made some resolutions/goals that are in reason and I should be able to keep them.  These resolutions/goals include..read my Bible every day, read more books this year and stay off facebook more-so I can get more books read.  So far I have only read my Bible every day.  I mean I have been reading my book everyday, but not as much as I would like and I still seem like I am on facebook alot. And maybe it's because I am afraid of missing posts by my friends and afraid they will think I am mad at them or don't care. But that's not true. I care for all my friends. I just want to get some other things done.  Also another goal/resolution I said I would love to work on is writing.  I love writing.  Letters, poems, short stories, longer stories, and in my journal, and weather journal.  Also I want to just write random things to get better at writing and telling a story.  I started an..I guess you could call it..essay.  I'm not in school and have no real reason to write it, but I am writing an essay and it's titled "Who am I?"  It's to, like I said get better at writing and tell a story.  Maybe if I get it done soon and like how it sounds I will add it on here.  And you can let me know what you think of it.  If there are many people who read this blog.  Then from Who am I?  I want to write about maybe "Who do people say I am?" Then from there maybe I'd write about random things I like or just skip that and start writing another story and some poems.  I wrote a story called "Ghost Train" and I would love to see it published.  But have no idea how or where to start. Oh, well..maybe one day. But if anyone would like to read it, message me your email address.  I will send you the story, but please don't steal it as your own.  :)  Usually I make the resolution of losing weight..but it always falls through. I just can't seem to stick with diets and cutting back on certain foods and drinks I like.  I mean I will try to cut back here soon and work out more and get for more walks.  And if I lose weight, then great! If not, I'm not too worried about it.  So these are my main goals/resolutions. 

 Other things I really need to start working on too are being more patience. Not to rush people out at 9pm. I should be happy people are spending their money in the store I work and it's not like I have much to do when I get home from work.  And then when everyone does leave the store..take my time closing and make sure everything is done and done right.  No need to rush.  Take my time and do everything right. And also I read a really good comment on my other blog and I need to work on that. I need to be happy with who I am and happy with my life.  And who is in my life.  Treat others how I want to be treated.  Be nice and caring to everyone. And I have been trying to be friends with some people and well..they don't want to be my friend.  And because they don't want to be my friend..I often question myself.  What is wrong with me?  Why don't people want to be my friend?  So I try over and over again to be friends with these people and get hurt.  But as the other girl-Noelle who commented me..I want to do that. Move on and forget about the people who don't want to be my friend.  Don't keep wasting my time. Life is too short to be miserable over looking at who won't be my friend instead of looking at who is my friend and wants to be my friend.  So from this day on..I move on and no longer want to be wasting my life on trying to be friends with people who don't want to be my friend. And sometimes I feel as if when I try being friends with someone I am not being myself. And I really want to be myself and not try to be someone else.  Don't act like them or try to dress like someone I'm not. I want to be myself.  Dress in what I feel comfortable in and like. These are some things that will take time..but will end up happening in the future and will make me happy in the long run. Thanks so much NOELLE for your comment.  It really made me cheer up.  Well I could go on, but I really want to go and watch a movie.  

Understanding Things...well trying to understand

Well...I have many things on my mind and alot of it's the same old/same old story.  It's like a big circle.  Just goes around and around. And maybe part of it is that I just can't let things go and let the past there..in the past.  And also I can't let people go.  I mean I try and try to be friends with people who don't want to be friends with me.  Why don't they want to be friends?  I just don't understand. I also don't understand how some people say they are Christians, but then sometimes they just don't act like they are.  I mean I am not perfect, but I try to be nice to everyone and friend them and let them follow me on different social networks.  I try to treat them like everyone else.  But there are a few "Christians" who act like they are better than everyone else and won't be friends with me.  Or they will approve me and when I comment/like their stuff all the time and try to be a good friend they just go and block me.  Why?  I just don't understand.  And I know I should let them go and move on.  Forget about them, but sometimes it's hard and I just want to make new good Christian friends.  Why can't they understand that?  What is wrong with me?  Or is it them?  I really want to give up on them and hate them for hating me and blocking me and not wanting to be my friend.  But then I think about myself and how I say I am a Christian. And I want to grow in my faith and relationship with God and Jesus.  So if I hate them..then doesn't that mean I am just the same as them?  And not really a true Christian?  Would God want me to keep trying to be friends with His other children?  Or since they seem like they don't want to be my friends, would He want me to still love them? Even if we never talk?  Still care for His family?  Would He get mad at me for hating some of His Children? Also..another thing that I am so confused about is...People who are gay/lesbians.  Don't get me wrong..I have nothing against gays and lesbians.  Two of my friends are gay and are married.  And I would do anything for them if I could.  But there's the whole thing in the Bible about God made man and women.  And man and woman should be together. So would He be mad that people of the same sex are together and get married?  And is it wrong to support that kind of relationship and be friends with people with that lifestyle?  Or would God still want you to care for them and be friends with them?  Treat them like you would anyone else?  I'm sure God loves everyone the same, no matter what they do or choose to do.  After all, He created everyone and everything.  He knows everyone's life day by day...so He would know what people would choose, and in my opinion, He loves everyone no matter what. He doesn't discrimate against anyone.  But I am still confused on so many things.  I know what the Bible says and I try to follow everything in it, but then certain things come up and I question it.  I shouldn't but I do. And I wish I knew for sure whether or not pets go to Heaven.  I mean people say they do and then someone told me I think and I kind of think it to. Why would God give animals for pets and let you get so attach to them for a few years and then take them away and you never see them again?  I mean if people go to Heaven, I think pets should too.  Because some pets are more than pets..they're like family..kids.  And last year, July 29, 2012 I lost my best friend who was like a son, Jasper.  He was the first real kitten that was mine.  We had other cats, but Jasper was mine. And I had 10 great years with him, but it doesnt seem like enough time.  But we spent so much time together in my room, out in the living room, outside..and it hit me really hard when he passed.  And like I said he was like a best friend, and son.  So it would hurt so much more to know that I will never see him ever again.  Even when I get to Heaven and he's not there.  I don't see how God would let you get attached to someone and then let you never see them again.  I wish someone could tell me this for sure..that I will see Jasper again.  I mean, yea, I have Eli.  But Jasper was a great cat.  He wasn't as hyper or bad like Eli is. He was much calmer.  Eli, like I kind of just said earlier..is hyper, bad, mischevious at times.  But he does make me laugh alot and will lay next to me and sleep next to me or above my head on the pillow. But anyway...there's more I don't understand, but I guess, I really shouldn't go into every single detail and problem I have.  These are just few of the main things I  don't understand. 

Well, not much else is going on. Nothing too exciting. Work is going good.  Need to really take my time and double check everything so I don't make mistakes. I have been playing with Eli, reading, writing, working on my photography page, watching TV and movies. Last Sunday I started to get a sore throat and by Monday it really hurt.  Tuesday it hurt some more.  Wed, wasnt too bad, but then I got a cold and a small sore throat.  Same Thurs. My cold and throat was bothering me.  Same Fri.  Sat..it wasn't too annoying..the cold.  But then my eye was bothering me and of course I kept rubbing it.  And during the night and early this morning, it got swollen and gross..Well now it's still alittle swollen, but looking much better.  Probably got something in it and irritated more.  I hope that is all.  I just want to fast forward and move on.  Get to a day where I actaully feel 100% and have nothing wrong with me.  Guess I will end here...     

Things....

So I guess it's been awhile since I updated this blog. But I guess I got to the point where..what does it matter if I update this. Because..does anyone actually read this? I mean no one comments on it. And truth be told I use my journal alot more, because I can express myself more. Get my feelings out and not worry about hurting people. But lately people haven't been too bad, except one lady at work. She can get on people's nerves. Oh well. 

So yea. Haven't updated since Sept. But as I said, not much has happened. I have been playing with Eli, reading, writing, working, watching TV and more. My brother bought a Wii. it is so much fun. I also carry Eli for walks through the yard. 

My Thanksgiving was good. Ate way too much. lol. But had fun. Then work got busy! Although it really wasn't a bad season. Don't get me wrong, we did get some grumbly customers. But really not that many. It seemed like we waited and waited for Christmas to come and now it's over. But I had a good Christmas and sure had plenty of laughs. And I got some nice gifts. I liked them all. It's still kind of hard to believe Christmas is over.  The other night-Christmas Eve, my brother, sister and I played Wii. That was fun. Also it snowed on Christmas Eve and stayed for most of Christmas Day so we had a white Christmas. Yay! And it snowed all day here today. So beautiful. Also got a new cell phone. I love it.  Well..guess that is all for this blog. goodnight. 

Playing Catch Up...

Wow..I can't believe it's been almost 3 months since I last updated.  There has been so many times I wanted to update, but never did.  But also nothing really exciting has happened. A few things were fun.  But before I go into them, on a sadder note.. :*(  My cat, Jasper had passed away on July 29th(2012). He was 10 years old. But that was the hardest and longest day of my life. I cried so hard and couldn't stop.  I mean I did for a few minutes/hours and then the tears came back.  Even today I still cry occasionally about the loss of Jasper.  I still can't believe he's gone.  He seemed in pain on Friday, July 27th and then ok.  But Saturday was the worst.  And then by Sunday morning, he passed away.  I was so glad he didn't have to suffer too long and I didn't have to work that day.  I don't know what happened..what went wrong. In a way, I wish I did, but then again..maybe I don't.  Because if it was something that could of been fixed, then I would regret everything.  But yeah, Jasper passed away.  But on a happier note, I did get a new kitten a month later. Sometimes I think it's too soon, but then also I am so glad I did adopt him.  He makes me laugh and also feel almost whole again.  I mean he will never fully replace Jasper or the hole in my heart 100%.  But I am so glad I had adopted him.  :)  I named him Eli after Eli Manning.  Eli's my favorite football player.  :)  He is an orange cream kitten.  Maybe eventually I will get a picture of him up here.  :)

Let's see..I have been reading, writing, watching TV, playing with Eli, working, and some more.  I was to the movies twice in July.  I saw Step Up Revolution and The Watch.  Both were good.  One day my parents and I went to the marina.  Looked at the flowers in the Butterfly Garden.  So pretty.  Then another time, me and my parents went for a picnic to the halfway dam.  Yum! Then we walked around.  Also another time me, my parents and brother and his girlfriend went to Knoebels for my brother's company's picnic.  Got a free meal out of it.  :)  Then we rode some rides, and played games.

This summer has been pretty lazy and boring compared to other summers.  And I feel as if I lost my best friend.  She seemed to change at the end of last year and really changed this year.  She says she misses me and wants to hang out with me, but she doesn't seem to do anything about it.  She doesn't come over, or ask me my schedule and days off.  Shouldn't she make more of an effort to hang out if she misses me or wants to hang out.  I shouldn't have to keep texting my schedule all the time.  Oh, well.  It seems like I always have trouble making and keeping friends.  What is wrong with me?  I don't understand.  Oh, well.  I have been re-reading some of my old journals, and other than working at a new place, it seems like my life is pretty much the same.  Oh, and back then, we went more places than we do now.  Sometimes I really miss the old days and being a kid or just my younger self.  

Well I could go on, but I am tired and want to get my pajamas on.  I worked 5-9.  And it was pretty busy.  Taking shelves down.  Getting ready for Christmas.  Oh, no! LoL.  Then filled bags, boxes and ornaments.  Plus not to mention, waiting on customers.  It was a busy night..so now I just want to like I said, get my pajamas on and crawl into bed and watch some Hollywood Heights.  So I will end here and try to update this more tomorrow and more often.  Have a great night!!

 

Catching Up....and more

So, it's been awhile since I last wrote and almost a whole month! I'd like to say alot has happened, but it really hasn't. My life is the same old story.  Boring! So you all are probably wondering why I even post.  But I like writing and telling about my boring life incase someone is out there like me.  Who thinks their life is boring too.  Then we'd have something in common and have something to talk about.  Also to say what books I have read and what movies I have seen.  Also my feelings.  Which again, you probably are wondering why dont I just write in a journal.  Well, again..to help people out, have people help me out.  Anyway...like I said not much has happened in the month since I last wrote. 

Let's see..I have been working.  When I'm not at work, I have Jasper out alot, read alot, write, check out fb and my email.  I usually spend most of my days outside.  Doesn't matter how hot it gets.  Jasper loves to me out and I do too.  And when it's really hot, I find ways too cool off.  Dump water on my head or play in the hose.  Don't have a pool.  As I said I have read alot.  In May I finished my Bible.  But I love reading it, so I am still reading it.  I am on the book of Psalms now.  I also read alot of books.  To name some, I have read by Nicholas Sparks-"The Lucky One" and "The Rescue".  I also read "The Cat Who Could Read Backwards", "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo", "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" and the "Second Summer of the Sisterhood".  And alot more.  Well not alot, but a few more.  I am currently reading "The Third Summer of the Sisterhood".  It's good so far.  As for movies, well I have't been to the theater since maybe April.  But on TV or DVD I seen a few.  I seen: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows Part 2, Pirates of the Caribbean:On Stranger Tides, Lilo and Stitch, and more I can't remember at this time. 

As I wrote above, I have Jasper out alot. I have no idea why he wants out so much.  I mean he is an in the house cat, yet he wants out alot and all day.  He constantly meows until I take him out.  Probably feels cooler out there to him than in our house.  So he goes out almost all day.  But I don't mind,  I like being out too.  I just don't get any work done in the house.  haha..  It's not like he walks around.  He does for alittle but then just lays around. 

This summer has been boring compared to the last few. Oh, well.  Guess they all can't be filled with fun and excitement.  But I wish things were different.  But then again..things change, people change and usually for the worst.  I just really don't understand why I have so much trouble keeping and making friends.  It's like..seriously what is wrong with me?  I mean, there has to be something right?  I mean to lose that many friends or have no one..it has to be me?   Not them?  Some days I don't mind being at home, spending time with Jasper but I just wish somedays I wouldn't be forgotten.  Wouldn't be left out.  I wish I had someone to hang out with.  Why can't I make good long lifetime friends? Of course I could go on and on.  And complain about things along these lines, but I doubt anyone wants to keep reading a blog where I complain.  Especially about not having friends, because not having friends isn't as serious or horryfying as what happened in Colorado.  I can't even being to imagine how panicked everyone was, how horrifying that was, and still is.  That is such a terrible and sad incident.  Thoughts and prayers to everyone involved or knew ones who were. Seriously though, what is wrong with people?? 

Anyway..I guess that's enough for this blog.  Goodnite